mandy inchaustegui

Last month, Xander was talking about Mother's Day for weeks before the actual day. At his preschool, they made a ton of gifts for me (classic inked handprint, included). It was a big deal! He was totally excited to celebrate his mom.

Father's Day is tomorrow. At his school, they did...nothing. They didn't talk about it. They didn't make anything. Nada.

I am not making a judgment on Xander’s teachers. They’ve been an incredible influence in his life. But I do find it interesting that Mother's Day gets a ton of press yet Father's Day seems like an after-though of sorts. "Well, I guess we should do at least a little something for dads. Just to be fair."

I'm a big fan of Mother's Day. Being a mom is the most challenging and complicated (although oddly, the most natural and fulfilling) thing I've ever done in my life. I appreciate a day of celebrating the pouring out of love that I seek to give to my boys everyday. However, I don't think being a dad is any less difficult or deserves any less honor or celebration.

True...I'm the one that carried the kids and pushed them out. Anthony's part in the whole "fathering" thing didn't exactly have pain involved. (In fact, if I remember correctly, it was quite nice for the both of us.) Yet, giving birth is not what makes me a mom. And getting me pregnant is not what makes him a dad.

I'm reading a book right now called The Council of Dads. The author discovered he had a cancerous tumor while he was the father of twin 3 year old girls. Facing the reality that his daughters might grow up without their dad, he wrote a letter to six of his friends, asking them to be a part of a Council of Dads, giving to his daughters what only a dad can give, in case of his death.

He knew his wife would be ultimately be ok. He was ok about dying because he felt good about what he had accomplished in his life. But he knew his daughters needed the voice, love and influence of a dad. We all do.

I wonder if there is a lack of honor for the role of a father that perpetuates an attitude that father’s are not as important as moms. There are many voices that acknowledge how difficult mothering is. Being a dad is equally as challenging, just maybe in different ways. Possibly, dads need even more encouragement, praise and honor as many are breaking molds, seeking to be more “involved” than dads from previous generations.

My husband is an incredible father. Our boys will know the goodness of God because of the love from their dad. I grew up knowing unconditional love is real because of my relationship with my own father. I love dads. I think they’re amazing. This Father’s Day…I honor and celebrate all of you. Thank you.

Every Sunday afternoon, I meet together with some of the most courageous women I know. A year and a half ago, we committed to walk together through a 12 Step journey, working through a variety of life issues such as depression, all sorts of abuse, anger, self-hatred, eating disorders, grief, etc. I’ve seen each of these women bravely open some doors to parts of their lives that they’ve kept closed for a long time…and with good reason. Again, they are some of the most courageous women I know.

Lately, we’ve been talking about doing a “daily inventory” where we evaluate our day, writing it down in a journal and then making amends with people as needed. At first, I wanted to justify not writing stuff down. I’m a mom of two small kids. The only things I write down are lists: grocery lists, to-do lists, and what-I-wish-I-could-do lists. I do not have time to journal.

However, I also hate making amends with people. I think about it in my head for so long that I can finally get to the point of justifying not doing it. Writing it down makes it feel like more of a commitment. I tend to be scared of commitment, especially the humble-“I’m-sorry” kind. Yikes.

I also tend to be slightly verbose. I used to journal and felt like I needed to fill the page full. If I went over to the new page, I had to keep writing to the bottom. It was a little obsessive. Not so sure I want to start that up again.

And then we’re back to that whole commitment thing and having to say, “I’m sorry.” No, thank you.

Yet, I imagine what my life would be like if I would actually do it. Really do it. Evaluate the day, write it down and act on it. It’d be a lot better than how things are now. Living in peaceful relationships sounds pretty freeing. I could use some of that.

So, is it worth it?

Hmmm…

Because I don’t want to get overwhelmed and I also don’t want to be too hard on myself, my daily journal entries are going to look like this:

1. What am I thankful for today?

2. What went well today? How did I love/serve others well?

3. What went wrong that I need to make right?

I’m going to limit myself to 1 or 2 things per question. Fast, quick, manageable. In our program we say, “It works if you work it! It won’t if you don’t!” If it doesn’t work, I guess I’m not really out much. But if it does…totally worth it.

For my first job out of college, I was a teacher in a juvenile detention center. Every morning, 8-15 teenage women would walk from their cells, their hands behind their backs, dressed in scrub pants and a ratty sweatshirt, into my classroom. The guard would take their place in the back of the room and we'd get started with class.

First thing, we'd go over the classroom expectations ("This is your first warning. You get one more and then you are making the choice to spend the rest of the day back in your cell." Classroom management at it's finest!). Then, I'd follow with my "Very Important Things to Remember." Things like: "You are valuable no matter what," "Every day is a new day," and, "You are only responsible for your own actions." After passing out their individual pencils with their names taped on them, we would move to the journal topic. Usually, I would tell a story, something that had happened to me recently or sometimes I'd share something I had come across or read. I'd make some sort of connection to life's bigger picture and then give them a prompt to help them connect with that truth and ask them to write about it. After they were done with the journal, they'd move on to their school work and the day officially began.

I know they thought the beginning routine was for them: to remind them of the rules, to encourage them a bit because they were in jail and probably needed it, and to get them to write because that sort of thing can be helpful for people who are in stressful situations. This is true. However, the routine was also very much for me. I needed to remember the classroom expectations to remind me to be mindful of respecting everyone in the classroom throughout the day. Many days, I was the one who needed most to remember that I was valuable, I didn't have to live in the past and that I was personally responsible for my life choices. Finally, I absolutely loved having an outlet to externally process through the truth I was observing in the world around me, connecting it with my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Reading the feedback from their journals was often more insightful than I could imagine, inviting me into many unique perspectives, different than my own.

I miss that job. I absolutely love that I'm home with my two boys, and I know they're glad I don't run my home like a jail, even though I'm pretty sure I'll get accused of that at some point as the years progress. But there were a ton of things that I mourned when I quit the detention center. A huge one for me was the opportunity I had to share with others what I was observing and learning as I traveled through life. I knew my life was very different than theirs but I discovered when it really came down to it, life's truth was life's truth. We were all on a journey together, trying to figure this thing called "life" out. And I believe, there's a lot of beauty and truth to be found all around us. We just need to pay attention.

So, I've started a blog. Finally. It will be filled with my thoughts and observations on the world around me as I question, learn, and grow. I welcome you to journey with me on a search for truth, wherever it may be found. Pretty sure it's going to take us to some interesting places. Let's get this party started.