mandy inchaustegui

“What is the greatest predictor of relationship success?”

It’s a great question and one that many researchers have sought to discover. The studies I’ve read often discover the same thing…just communicated differently. I really like the new insight that I gained recently.

In answer to the question, one researcher (Shelly Gable from UC, Santa Barbara) says that the health of the relationship can be assessed more by looking at how a couple responds to good news, as opposed to how they fight. She plots out our options to respond on an Active/Passive and Constructive/Deconstructive grid. The goal for us that predicts success would be an actively constructive response to good news. In a healthy relationship, our excitement should match the excitement of our spouse.

This got me thinking about how I respond to Anthony when he tells me good news. And, if you know my husband, I am fortunate that this is often. Really often. Pretty much every conversation we have. And told with lots of excited emotion. Positivity exudes from Anthony’s pores! But, how do I respond?

The reality wasn’t pretty for me. I tend to mostly be passively constructive (“Oh, that’s nice.”) or actively deconstructive, also known as “bubble bursting.” There’s a reason Anthony used to sing the “Party Pooper” song to me earlier in our relationship. You know the one…“Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you!” I’m sad to admit how true it has been.

This also got me thinking about how I respond to others when they have good news. How do I respond to Xander when he is super excited about something he did at school or a Lego thing he built? How do I respond to a friend who tells me about their new job opportunity? How do I internally respond when I read some good news someone shares on Facebook?

I find that I do not respond actively and constructively as much as I would like. This begs the question for me: maybe I am the one who is missing out. If I shared joy as much with others who told me good news, I would be experiencing a lot more joy in my life. Which would probably make others more apt to tell me their good news. Which would cause me to experience more joy . And so on. A pretty beautiful cycle, if you ask me!

When someone tells you good news, how do you respond? Try an experiment for a week of responding actively and constructively. Watch what happens to the relationship and watch what happens to you. I think we will be pleasantly surprised!